Transformation (17-Sep-14)

I am not sure what caused these changes. He is calmer, provides all ears to me, giving me the space to voice out what I feel without being judgmental....

I am not sure what caused these changes. The few simple things which matters most in a relationship..
 
I am not sure what caused these changes. I am feeling the warmth of love and acceptance, which in turn makes me feel more devoted to him...

I am not sure what caused these changes. It has been a few weeks (no, im not counting or it will be jinxed)

I am not sure what caused these changes. It gives my heart assurance for a happy future together...

I am not sure what caused these changes. But I am happy it did and I hope it is forever. 

Kids (2-Sep-14)

Kids...a simple word but a whole new purpose to live for in this world. Do you have them to satisfy your need/ want or to stop some parents' agony of waiting to see their grandchild OR to just stop being questioned by every tom, dick & harry who mean nothing in your life?

I am lucky that my partner and I share the same thought on this. Where we both mentally and physically ready to bring a soul into this world who can claim as only ours. A soul who we will nurture and shower unconditional love too. Our own kid(s) ;-)

Memoirs of a happy child (29-Aug-14)

The shrilly whistle of the kettle...

The smell of the warm steamed puttu...

Dogs running around playfully, warmth of cuddling them..

Bitting into the juicy rambutans while enjoying the wind under the tree...

Smelling the freshly mowed green lawn...

The sound of raindrops against the leafy surrounding...

Post-bath cuticura comforting the skin...

Stories of adventures and fantasies while sitting on mutachas lap along with the familiar smell of tobacco..

Pepper and soy sauce seeping through the half boil egg...

Childhood, i must say was the most beautiful adventure I have had. Carefree and eternal bliss it was. Where thoughts, speech, and heart were at its purest. 

Adulthood snatches it all away, opening your eyes to the sinful world you are in. Where the heart is conscious of its surrounding, thoughts influenced by sinful deeds and words expressing the frustration of leaving that beautiful world behind.

We live each day, fighting with ourselves to become strong enough to face the real world. Each day is a struggle, yet we live. And when we breath our last breath, we wonder what was life all about because we become nothing at the end of our journey. I hope to get my answer before that and learn how to appreciate whatever little beauty is left of life....

RIP (25-Aug-14)

Today we lost a pure soul to heaven. A person who never was blood-related but somehow soul-related to all of us. A father-figure who has showered us with unconditional care and love. He was special. He became part of us.

It is sad to know that you are no-more. I will remember everything you have done for me. You will always be remembered and have a special place in all our hearts. May you rest in peace DT L

Another phase (24-Aug-14)

A partner is someone who places you 1^st before them. A person who wants to smile with you during happy times, cry with you during your downs, corrects you when you are wrong, praises you when you are right, a person to whom you can show your silly side, a person who you can talk to about everything or anything without thinking, a person whom you can be yourself with…and never fails to give you the warmth and care you need.

In the process of completing our 9^th month of marriage and I have started feeling the emptiness of not being able to do what I assume I should be doing. Maybe he has started taking me for granted? Maybe I fail to express how I feel? Maybe I need to show more confidence in myself to be respected by the other?Somehow or rather, I voiced it out and I hope it turns out to be more positive.

All this (marriage to be precise) has made me appreciate and miss my family dearly. People who are constantly warm towards me, regardless of who I am. People who always want to hear what my mouth speaks or my mind thinks. People who are always there.

But I have stepped into another phase of my life, leaving that comfort zone behind. Moving towards my own journey, learning how to be less dependent, learning how to be stronger, wiser and how to manage living with a different human under the same roof, at the same time being happy together. 

Lost in translation (19-Aug-14)

‘Lost in translation’ depicts beautifully of how much action speaks louder than words. Made me think of wha exactly do we live for? who are we on this earth? what makes us happy? Only once we know this, we will be able to live the life we want. Although not perfect but at least near perfect to what we want.

The answer to my frequent question on marriage and babies…

“For us to have a reason to live the present, we need a partner. For us to live the future, we need a generation. “

Perfection (30-Jul-14)

"Perfection is, broadly, a state of completeness and flawlessness", says Wikipedia.
Most of us are striving for this at work, home or life itself, many give their hearts and souls to achieve perfection, some do not push themselves to hard for it and some are simply not bothered about me.

Me? I am probably stuck somewhere in the group of not 'pushing myself' for it. 
Why? I often ask myself but still pondering about. I have tried but it is only short-term. 
Why? I ask again but still pondering about it.

Fortunately or unfortunately, the person I live with is a perfectionist. A person who is always complete and thorough, a person who expects everything and everyone to be complete and thorough, a person who only accepts completeness and thoroughness...in plain, a person who find it very hard to accept imperfections.

I definitely have improved my ways of handling responsibilities, thanks to the perfect inspirations. Good for me. However, I have not been able to reach the expected perfection. Bad for him. It has always been debatable, whether the lesser should be best or the best should be lesser in order to achieve a mutual level. Challenging.

So, here I stand dumbfounded again by this recurring feeling of being less and reminded of being an imperfect partner. Good? Bad? I ask again...

Pride (28-Jul-14)

Most people smile when drunk. Some resort to using alcohol as a mode of pouring out their heart's content to their newly found Dr Phill, regardless of those around them who may not want to hear it. Some prefer remaining mum enjoying the intoxication by themselves. Some grab this opportunity to bring out the 'naughty' side of them.
For me, it is a time to relax my thoughts and enjoy the music beating from the speakers, laser lights gleaming through the space. Just me in a world of lights and various vibrations, tapping my feet to its rhythm.
However, 'Drunk Indian Men' embrace their pride during this time very seriously and anyone (or anything) challenging it intentionally or unintentionally is 'ENEMY'. I always am tickled by this as it happens very often even to those close to me, old/ young, educated/uneducated. As long as they have Indian blood running in them, pride is born :-)

Suffocation (11-Jun-14)

The heavy breathing, gasping for air. Chest heavier after each attempt to breathe. Head clustered, body tired. When everything goes wrong, when you thought you did it right. The craving for some appreciation and comfort but expectations thrown at you instead. You cannot find the right words to express this, so you choose to remain silent. Your only resort is to burst into a flood of tears for no specific reason, believing that it will lighten your heart and spirit.

Do all living beings called ‘women’ go through this phase which is most often referred to as ‘PMS’? Or just our way of dealing with any sort of presser, work, family etc?

Dear Beach, Sand, Wind, kindly embrace me and do what you do best.

Ole 2014!

21-June-2014

Looking at how the human race has evolved is very much intriguing. A simple game of ball has turned in a world wide event influencing every human being to anticipate witnessing a team of built, sweaty men chasing after one ball on a huge field till it reaches the right goals. I wonder how exactly this game which would have been invented as a simple past time activity in some civilizations, to become a world class event. Intriguing.

Partner's pledge

Oh My Dear, I Will Never Abandon You
Promise, Promise, This Is A Promise

On The Sun's Rays Which Adorns Garlands
Like A Baby, Like A Diamond
My Promise Is Pure And Sacred

In This Birth, I Wont Touch A Woman Even In Thoughts
Will Safeguard My Love For You Without Heeding To Distractions

Will Serve You By Just Knowing Just The Sound Of Your Anklets
Will Wake You Every Morning With A Kiss On Your Forehead

Will Not Question You, Even If You Spend All Our Wealth
Will Willingly Lose To You In All Our Arguments

Will Never Talk Arrogantly Like A Midnight Thief
Even After The Lust Ends, My Love For You Never Ends

Will Embrace You On My Chest, When Your Periods Get Over
Will Become A Mother's Lap When You Fall Sick

Will Make You Feel Better, By Being With You Always Like Your Breath
Will Bear All Your Relatives Like My Own, In My Heart

Will Give You Myself To Make All Your Dreams Come True
Will Give You My Life For Your Longevity

Oh My Dear, I Will Never Abandon You
Promise, Promise, This Is A Promise

More than what I am

I am a wife, a working woman, a daughter, a music teacher....I live an average life, produce average results in all the role i play.
There is always something reminding me of that huge beautiful field decorated with scented, colorful daffodils and lavender. Those green hills which I fly over and across that vast land. Flying higher..enjoying that sense of being elevated from this mediocre human world. That sense of bliss, weightless heart. That gush of light wind brushing against my skin, whistling through each strand of my hair.
I will live each day of this human life, experiencing human emotions, facing what every human faces in this society. In this life, you are born human and you do humanly things. I am part of this human race which I am accustomed to live in.
I will live each day of this human life, till I achieve what I dream...to fly high over and across that vast land. Only because I know I am more than what I am...

5 ways to...

...Stop feeling insecure
1. Stop trying to read minds
2. Stop looking for perfect relationships
3. Stop judging current relationship based on past ones
4. Stop inventing problems that do not exist
5. Stop focusing on the negative

...Improve my life
1. Feel confident of myself and not allowing anyone to break it
2. Have my own friends
3. Stop relying on only one person for everything I need emotionally (friends can help too)
4. Focus on my hobbies/ what makes me happy
5. Appearing to weak make another over rule you

Happy, Confident & Worth it! (18 Mar 2014)

18 March 2014 (Tuesday, 10.44am)

All I seek for is just to feel like I am good in at least something. Maybe the way I do things may not be perfect enough for the other, but that does not mean I am useless. Expecting others to make you feel important, giving least priority of your wants… is the biggest mistake we all do. Don’t blame others for feeling this way. Stop feeling small, push away that feeling, keep it all aside, step up, do what makes YOU feel important, do what makes you smile. Eventually, you came into this world alone and you had only yourself to turn too. So, do all it takes to make YOU feel HAPPY, CONFIDENT and WORTH IT :-)

38 days...(12 Mar 2014)

12 March 2014 (Wednesday)

Exactly 38 days since our wedding. How things are? So far so good. But we are back to reality, which means lesser time together, more time to ponder about ourselves, more time to miss the presence of the other at the same time enjoy the space we have.  Rather than thinking about what ‘we’ are going to be or where ‘we’ are heading too, it has given me time to think about what ‘I’ am going to have to cope with, what ‘I’ need to improve on and how ‘I’ am going to ensure that our journey together will be a happy one.

Nevertheless, it is a beautiful journey with different challenges to face, getting 2 different people to decide on one thing. Having a partner who listens and understands you is a huge deal. I am glad he is such. Looking forward to everything that lies ahead.

Steps to success

1. Sincerity - Be yourself, and do what you feel is right based on your values and beliefs. You will be surprised at how people accept you when you stop trying to be someone you aren’t.

2. Unfeigned - Be genuine in what you do; your actions speak louder than your words. Don’t say one thing and do the other.

3. Wholehearted - Be enthusiastic about what you do.Be committed to life and everything that you set out to accomplish in life.

4. Honest - Be honest in your dealings with yourself and with others. Do what you say you will do and never use fraud or deception to get ahead in life.

5. Heartfelt - When you do something for someone, or they do something for you, let your thanks and emotion be openly and outwardly expressed towards them.

6. Humility - Don’t lead a life thinking you are better than others or are superior to those around you. Modesty and humbleness will leave a far more ever lasting impact on people than trying to show off.

7. Personal integrity - Always follow your heartfelt values, and never let a situation or anyone steer you away from doing what you know is right. Be someone that people can look up to and respect and not someone who trades his or her moral values for material gains in life.

8. Incorruptibility - Let it be known that you stand firm for what you believe in and that your morals, values and actions are not for sale. Don’t let outside forces corrupt the person you are.

9. Sound - Show good judgment and sense in life. Don’t let prejudices or emotions cloud your judgment.

10. Courtesy - Graciousness and respect go a long way in life. Be kind to others and extend courtesy towards them. Don’t interrupt people when they speak and don’t dominate the conversation.

11. Wisdom - Gain from the wisdom that is inside you. Understand the inner qualities of people and learn how to understand situations that might be different than we are used to.

12. Charity - Learn to extend a hand to help others, even though they themselves may not have helped you.

13. Empathy - Be aware that each person is different and may have different values and beliefs than those that you hold. Be understanding of the feelings and thoughts of others without having to be told or reminded of them.

14. Sympathy - Share your feelings with others and understand the emotional situations that people go through. Put yourself in their shoes.

15. Altruism - Think of others without thinking of yourself. Do good things for people without expecting something in return for yourself.

16. Magnanimous - Be generous in life. Give of your time, money and wisdom. Share with others so they can see the true joy and adventures of life themselves.

17. Humorous (A MUST) - Always see the funny side of everything in any situations!

The journey (03-Oct-13)

All this while I thought I knew almost everything about life. But this journey towards just preparing for the wedding, opened my eyes to many things which was right in front of me, that at times I failed to appreciate. I saw  those who love me for who I am, stood by me, giving me all the support and strength when I needed it most.  At the same time, I also saw the other side of those same people, being defensive, inconsiderate and irrational when it comes to some of their decisions.

Frustration can be caused by various speech, action and feelings resulting in various speech, action and feelings. The root cause of this frustration many at times is hard to be highlighted due to family ties.

Having experienced a few incidents throughout this wedding preparation has made me realize this and accept it that unfortunately this is the case in my life now. I don’t have a choice but to learn how to manage this and at the same time ensure that decisions made for me and my partner are solely our call and never influenced by either side of family,

1 more month for our engagement and 4 more months towards the wedding. More challenges coming our way as it gets closer. I only pray that my partner and I will continue to have the strength we have and also stick to each other as a team without taking sides of either party. This would be our 1^st challenge as we take our big leap into ‘marriage’ along with hopefully lesser challenges after this.

But it makes perfect sense now when people say... ’marriage aint easy’ but working together as team makes it 'perfect'!

A year wiser? (13-Sep-2013)

I am officially 28. What have I learnt?

1. There are more less meaningful souls and I will be selfish with those I have stumbled upon
2. Avoid unnecessary elements in your peaceful circle of life
3. Your mind is the master of all
4. Unfortunately (or fortunately), the emotions over rule it off and on
5. The word ‘Care-free’ is non-existent. Even if it does, it is erased by life’s commitment
6. And somehow it is a must to have commitments for every living soul (This, I hope to understand before 29)
7. Art is GOD
8. You get to become an Art Lecturer Berlin University, a psycho-eccentric tattooed investigator in Sweden, a famous lady designer in Paris…all in a day, by just READING!
9.  Love = the bridge built with your partner. The stronger it is, the more perfect it becomes
10.  Relationship = what turned out to be the purpose of life

Art at its best (17 July 2013)

As it gets closer, I am able to see all that I have to let go off in life which used to be what I only had in life. Music  and dance.  I fear that it would not make any logic to spend some money or time on art. I miss everything I see in those feet that lifts itself from the ground the moment it touches it, the eyes which speaks unheard words from the heart…the sense or supremacy the dancer portrays, being above any ordinary living being. I see god in these gifted people. Expressing ones-self through art is a gift which is not felt by everyone….I hope someday, before I leave this world I will be closer to god through this art.